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*For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.*For those who have children nearing this age,this is a warning.*For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN (HONEST AND NO KIDDING):
Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY. Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done. Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door. Do not go running back to the phone yelling, "She's in the BATHROOM!" Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in. Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two, but not now. Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome. If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done. And yes, I still love you. (signed) Mom
One day a man came home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas ... There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. Dishes were on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over."He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, "What happened here today?" She smiled and answered, "You know when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?""Yes?" he said. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night.)GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST: Obtain on large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Froot Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans. PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for you pay-cheque to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first: Your Clothes -1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your
pregnancy. The Baby's Name -1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing
combinations of all your favourites. Preparing for the Birth -1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. The Layette -1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them
neatly in the baby's little bureau. Worries -1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby. Activities -1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. Going Out -1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. At Home -1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?" "Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.
If you've left the crayons to melt in the car, When you're not sure where the past 8 hours went, If you find yourself chatting for hours on end If you left your bags at the grocery store And if you know the words to "Goodnight Moon" by heart, It's unavoidable girls, and I feel your pain,
A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well, rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation. "Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer--and I didn't really have one handy--she blurted out the reason for her question. She had just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her "occupation," Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "Do you have a job, or are you just a...?" "Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother." "We don't list 'mother' as an occupation. 'Housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title, like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "And what is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm...a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid-air, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research [what mother doesn't] in the laboratory and in the field [normally I would have said indoors and out]. I'm working for my Masters [the whole darned family] and already have four credits [all daughters]. Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities [any mother care to disagree?] and I often work 14 hours a day [24 is more like it]. But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants---age 13, 7, and 3. And upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on bureaucracy. And I had gone down on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another..."
I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.
While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground. "That's my son over there," she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide. "He's a fine looking boy," the man said. "That's my son on the swing in the blue sweater." Then, looking at his watch, he called to his son. "What do you say we go, Todd?" Todd pleaded, "Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes." The man nodded and Todd continued to swing to his heart's content. Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his son. "Time to go now?" Again Todd pleaded, "Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes." The man smiled and said, "O.K." "My, you certainly are a patient father," the woman responded. The man smiled and then said, "My older son Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I 'd give anything for just five more minutes with him. I've vowed not to make the same mistake with Todd. He thinks he has five more minutes to swing. The truth is, I get Five more minutes to watch him play."
My day-old child lay in my arms, My day-old baby's mouth was still
A lways be honest, would you want THEM to lie to you?
Notice them. Smile a lot. Acknowledge them. Learn their names. Seek them out. Remember their birthday. Ask them about themselves. Look in their eyes when you talk to them. Listen to them. Play with them. Read aloud together. Giggle together. Be nice. Say yes a lot. Tell them their feelings are okay. Set boundaries that keep them safe. Be honest. Be yourself. Listen to their stories. Hug them. Forget your worries sometimes and concentrate only on them. Notice when they're acting differently. Present options when they seek your counsel. Play outside together. Surprise them. Stay with them when they are afraid. Invite them over for juice. Suggest better behaviors when they act out. Feed them when they are hungry. Delight in their discoveries. Share their excitement. Send them a letter or postcard. Follow them when they lead. Notice them when they are absent. Call them to say hello. Hide surprises for them to find. Give them space when they need it. Contribute to their collections. Discuss their dreams and nightmares. Laugh at their jokes. Be relaxed. Kneel, squat or sit so you're at their eye level. Answer their questions. Tell them how terrific they are. Create a tradition with them and keep it. Learn what they have to teach. Use your ears more than your mouth. Make yourself available. Show up at their concerts, games and events. Find a common interest. Hold hands during a walk. Apologize when you've done something wrong. Listen to their favorite music with them. Keep the promises you make. Wave and smile when you part. Display their artwork in your home. Thank them. Point out what you like about them. Clip magazine pictures or articles that interest them. Give them lots of compliments. Catch them doing something right. Encourage win-win solutions. Give them your undivided attention. Ask for their opinion. Have fun together. Be curious with them. Introduce them to your friends and family. Tell them how much you like being with them. Let them solve most of their own problems. Meet their friends. Meet their parents. Let them tell you how they feel. Help them become an expert at something. Be excited when you see them. Tell them about yourself. Let them act their age. Praise more, criticize less. Be consistent. Admit when you make a mistake. Enjoy your time together. Give them a special nickname. Marvel at what they can do. Tell them how proud you are of them. Pamper them. Unwind together. Be happy. Ask them to help you. Support them. Applaud their successes. Deal with problems and conflicts while they are still small. Chaperone a dance. Tell them stories in which they are the hero. Believe in them. Nurture them with good food, good words and good fun. Be flexible. Delight in their uniqueness. Let them make mistakes. Notice when they grow. Wave and honk when you drive by them. Give them immediate feedback. Include them in conversations. Respect them. Join in their adventures. Visit their schools. Help them learn something new. Be understanding when they have a difficult day. Give them good choices. Respect the choices they made. Be silly together. Hang out together. Make time to be with them. Inspire their creativity. Accept them as they are. Become their advocate. Appreciate their personality. Talk openly with them. Tolerate their interruptions. Trust them. Share a secret. Write a chalk message on their sidewalk. Create a safe open environment. Be available. Cheer their accomplishments. Encourage them to help others. Tackle new tasks together. Believe what they say. Help them take a stand and stand with them. Daydream with them Do what they like to do. Make decisions together. Magnify their magnificence. Build something together. Encourage them to think big. Celebrate their firsts and lasts, such as first school day. Go places together. Welcome their suggestions. Visit them when they're sick. Tape record a message for them. Help them learn from their mistakes. Be sincere. Introduce them to people of excellence. Tell them what you expect of them. Give them your phone number. Introduce them to new experiences. Share a meal together. Talk directly together. Be spontaneous. Expect their best; don't expect perfection. Empower them to help and be themselves. Love them no matter what.
A Friend.... (A)ccepts you as you are
Whose idea was Mother's Day anyway? In May of 1905, Ana M. Jarvis made a vow that would change the face of calendars forever. Ana's mother was Ana Maria Reeves Jarvis, the founder of the Mother's Day Work Clubs. She organized these clubs to improve sanitary conditions in her city during the Civil War. The club raised money for medicines, bottled milk and food inspections, and also provided domestic help for mothers who had tuberculosis. Near the end of the war, Ana organized a Mother's Friendship Day at the courthouse to bring people of both sides together in peace. Many were afraid the event would backfire and lead to violence, but the event was peaceful and so successful that it was repeated for many years. When Ana died, her daughter led a small service designed to honor her mother, and went to work making Mother's Day a national holiday. She and her supporters wrote thousands of letters to businessmen, politicians and clergymen, seeking their help in establishing the holiday. In 1908, the first official Mother's Day celebrations were held at Ana's church in West Virginia on the second anniversary of her mother's death. The next year, Mother's Day was also celebrated in Philadelphia, and finally, in 1914, Woodrow Wilson declared Mother's Day a national holiday. TODDLER PROPERTY LAWS 1. If I like it, it's mine.
"I got two A's," the small boy cried. "Mom. I've got the dishes done!" "I've mowed the grass," the tall boy said, The children in the house next door "I got two A's," the small boy cried, "Mom I've got the dishes done! "I've mowed the grass." the tall boy said. Children deserve a little praise
When the good Lord was creating mothers, he was into his sixth day of overtime, when the angel appeared and said, "You're doing alot of fiddling around on this one." And the Lord said, "Have you read the spec on this one? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic; have 180 moveable parts, all replaceable; run on black coffee and leftovers; have a lap that disappears when she stands up; a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair; and six pair of hands." The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands ... no way." "It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord. "It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have." "That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, "What are you kids doing in there?" when she already knows. Another here, in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't, but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and says, "I understand and I love you," without so much as uttering a word." "Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve gently, "Rest for now. Tomorrow is another day." "I can't," said the Lord. "I'm so close to creating something close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick, can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower." The angel circled the model of the mother very slowly. "She's too soft," she sighed. "But tough!" said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what the mother can do or endure." "Can she think?" "Not only think, but she can reason and compromise," said the Creator. Finally the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you, you were trying to put too much into this model." "It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear." "What's it for?" "It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness and pride." "You're a genius," said the angel. The Lord looked somber, "I didn't put it there."
One song can spark a moment,
If I live in a house of spotless beauty with everything in
its place, but have not love, I am a housekeeper--not a homemaker.
While sitting at lunch, a friend of mine casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says, half joking. "Do you think we should have a baby?" "It will change your life," I say carefully, keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says. "No more sleeping in on Saturdays, no more spontaneous vacations..." But that is not what I meant at all. I try to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes: that the physical wounds of child-bearing heal, but becoming a mother will leave an emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable. I consider telling her that she will never read a newspaper again without asking, "What if that had been my child?" That every plane crash, every fire, will haunt her. That when she sees a picture of starving children, she'll wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child suffer. I look at her manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to a primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop her best crystal piece without a moment's hesitation. I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for wonderful child care, but one day she'll be going into work and suddenly remember her baby's sweet smell. She'll have to use all her discipline to keep from running home, just to be sure her child is fine. And no matter how many business decisions she makes firmly...she'll constantly second-guess herself as a mother. Looking at my attractive friend, I want to tell her that her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child.. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but she'll also begin to hope for more years...not to accomplish her own dreams...but to watch her child accomplish his. My friend's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I want to tell her how much more she'll love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to kiss and hug and laugh with their child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with her husband over and over again for reasons she would now find very unromantic. I want to describe to my friend the feeling she'll have when she hears the belly-laugh of a baby who is touching a puppy for the first time. I wish I could describe the feeling she'll have when she scoops up her freshly bathed baby in a towel. I want her to experience a joy so strong, it hurts.I offer a silent prayer for her and me and all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way through this holiest of callings. My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I say finally.
Like any good mother, when Karen found out she was pregnant, she did her best to prepare her 3 yr old son, Michael. Day after day, night after night, Michael sang to his sister in Mommy's tummy. Then the labor started one night, for awhile, progressing normally. But complications arise during delivery. Would a c-section be required? Soon, Michael's little sister was born. But she is in serious condition. With siren howling in the night, the ambulance rushes the tiny baby to the hospital. The days inch by, with the little girl getting worse. The neonatologist gives a grim prognosis to the parents, who start contacting cemeteries. Michael keeps begging to see his sister, "I want to sing to her!" he cries. Even after his parents have given up hope, Michael still begs, "Let me see my sister!" They pacify him for awhile with hospital rules, "Children are not allowed in Intensive Care," but still Michael begs. Karen realizes that if he doesn't see the baby soon, he will never see her alive. She dresses him up in a scrub suit and marches him to ICU. "Get that kid out of here! No kids in ICU!" The mother in Karen rises up strong, and the mild-mannered Karen looks steely-eyed at the nurse and proclaims, "He is not leaving until he sings to his sister!" Michael gazed at his sister, losing the will to live; and he begins to sing... "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, You make me happy when skies are gray---" The infant responds instantly, the heart beat grows stronger, becomes calm and steady. Keep on singing, Michael. "You never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away---" The ragged breathing becomes as smooth as a kitten's purr, as the little sister relaxes. Rest, healing rest seems to sweep over her. Tears conquer the bossy nurse's face as Karen begins to glow. The next day, the very next day, the little girl is ready to go home! And guess what hymn" the congregation later sang at the little girl's baptism? |
