I've learned that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned that when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned that I feel better about myself when I make others feel better about themselves.
I've learned that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned that what we have done for ourselves alone dies with us.
That we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.
I've learned that one sincere apology is worth more than all the roses money can buy.
I've learned that words harshly or unjustly spoken are as difficult to retrieve as feathers in a gale.
I've learned that being kind is more important than being right. 
Mostly.
I've learned that you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned that the more serious your life requires you to be, the more you need a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. That doesn't mean you don't apply a boot to the butt when necessary.
I've learned that the things I judge, are done by people just like me.
I've learned that simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned that we should be glad we don't get everything we ask for.
I've learned that money doesn't buy class.
I've learned that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned that once a relationship is over, if you experienced more smiles than tears, then it wasn't a waste of time.
I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned never to humiliate another person. Always give him an honorable way to back down or out of something and still save face.
Don't make an enemy out of someone who could be a friend.
I've learned that God didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned that if you are still talking about what you did yesterday, you haven't done much today.
I've learned that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.
I've learned that a good friend is the one who tells you how you really look in your jeans.
I've learned that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

~ Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.
~ Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, some are there to applaud.
~ Know who and where you are.
~ When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
~ Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.
~ If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.
~ The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."
~ Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
~ When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
~ If he or she says that you are too good for him -- believe it.
~ I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
~ If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
~ Living well really is the best revenge.
~ Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
~ Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan and hold your hand. 
~ Work is good, but it's not important.
~ Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
~ A person needs only two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape. 
~ You are the only person who can truly make you happy.
~ And finally... Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

1. Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
2. Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
3. "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
4. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
5. Catching fireflies happily occupied an entire evening.
6. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
7. Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
8. The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and the rules didn't matter.
9. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
10. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
11. It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
12. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
13. Nobody was prettier than Mom.
14. Dad was the strongest man alive.
15. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
16. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
17. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
18. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
19. Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30 minute ads for action figures.
20. No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.
21. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
22. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
23. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
24. War was a card game.
25. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
26. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
27. Taking drugs meant orange flavored chewable Flintstone vitamins.
28. Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
29. Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

~ 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
~ 75% of statisticians are 90% confident 52% of the time.
~ [Bumper Snicker] DANGER! I drive like you do.
~ A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
~ A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
~ A person has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
~ A waist is terrible thing to mind.
~ Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.
~ Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
~ Birds have bills, too, and they keep on singing.
~ Born free. Taxed to death.
~ Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste.
~ Can a mortuary raise the cost of burial and blame it on the cost of living?
~ Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 2?
~ Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
~ Creditors have better memories than debtors.
~ Cursor's flashing, but there's no response.
~ Dain bramaged.
~ Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
~ DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it...
~ Did it ever occur to you that nothing occurs to God?
~ Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
~ Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
~ Do union matchmakers have to close the cover before striking?
~ Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~ Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in
Australia.
~ Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
~ Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
~ Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
~ Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
~ For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.
~ Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
~ Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger.
~ Hermits don't suffer from peer pressure.
~ Home is where you hang your @.
~ How come wrong numbers are never busy?
~ How do "Stay off the Grass" signs get there?
~ I am at one with my duality.
~ I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up to meetings three miles late.
~ I loaned ten thousand dollars to my (former) best friend to get plastic
surgery. I haven't heard from him in nine months, and now I don't know what the looks like.
~ I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around and sang "Happy Birthday."
~ I spent the night in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
~ I used to pick fuzz out of my belly button, but I gave it up for lint.
~ I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called brightness, but it doesn't seem to work.
~ I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous.
~ I'm not really happy. It's a chemical imbalance.
~ I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.
~ I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
~ I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me send money.
~ If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
~ If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around to hear it, is there substantial evidence to sue for deforestation?
~ If everyone were employed, would unemployment officers be?
~ If fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
~ If it was only a 3-hour cruise (Gilligan's Island), why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?
~ If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
~ If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
~ If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree?
~ If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?
~ If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
~ If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
~ If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
~ If you hear no evil and see no evil, call the TV repairman.
~ Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
~ It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has
deteriorated.
~ It took a couple of years, but when their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.
~ It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
~ It's not a REAL sponge cake unless you've borrowed all the ingredients.
~ Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
~ Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
~ Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
~ Life is like an onion: You peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
~ Luge is the only sport where you can die during the event and still win.
~ Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
~ Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.
~ My doctor says I have the body of a 16-year-old... dog.
~ My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
~ Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
~ Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
~ No man in the world has more courage than the one who can stop after eating one peanut.
~ On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
~ One good turn gets most of the blankets.
~ One of the lessons of life is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
~ Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
~ People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross.
~ People will believe most anything that is whispered to another.
~ Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.
~ Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda' neat.
~ Prejudiced people are all alike.
~ Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~ Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
~ Sometimes the garbage disposal gods demand the offering of a spoon ~ Strange, you stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
~ Sweater: a garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly. 
~ Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
~ Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
~ Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. ~ The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
~ The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
~ The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is ten years.
~ The earth is full. Go home.
~ The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people that were here last year."
~ The secret to success is sincerity... and once you learn to fake it, you've got it made. 
~ Thetruth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
~ The world isn't so much worse than before, it's just that the news coverage got so much better.
~ The world would be such a better place if there were more people like me.
~ There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
~ There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
~ To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
~ Two wrongs don't make a right. But two Wrights made an airplane.
~ Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
~ What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
~ When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am? ~ When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
~ Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
~ Why do they call it Alcoholics Anonymous if the first two things you tell everybody is your name and the fact that you are an alcoholic?
~ Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
~ Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? ~Why worry about tomorrow when there are so many bridges to burn today?
~ Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
~ You know you're paranoid when you can't think of anything that's your fault.
~ You were born an original. Don't die a copy.
~ You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
~ Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.

Read this sentence:

Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go back and count them again!!!. See below...

There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh?

everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work
the gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals
you feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere
your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
you get winded playing chess
your children begin to look middle-aged
you finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall
you decide to procrastinate but never get around to it
your mind makes contracts your body can't meet
you know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions
you look forward to a dull evening
you walk with your head high trying to get use to your bifocals
your favorite part of the newspaper is "Twenty-Five Years Ago Today"
you regret all those mistakes resisting temptation
you're 17 around the neck, 44 around the waist, and 116 around the golf course
you stop looking forward to your next birthday
you have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet

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NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
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Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 Br. 2 bath home
Nordic Track $300 hardly used call chubby
Bill's septic cleaning "We haul American made products"
Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks
Found: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be reward.
Hummels - Largest selection ever "If it's in stock, we have it!"
Georgia Peaches - California grown - 89 cents a lb.
Free: Farm kittens. Ready to eat.

Eliminate static cling from pantyhose.  Rub a damp, used sheet of Bounce over the hose.
Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
Clean baked-on food from a cooking pan.  Put a sheet in the pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The antistatic agents apparently weaken the bond between the food and the pan while the fabric softening agents soften the baked-on food.
Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.

The "pound" key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotroph.
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
The "dot" over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
Table tennis balls have been known to travel off the paddle at speeds up to 160 km/hr.
Pepsi originally contained pepsin, thus the name.
The original story from "Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights" begins, "Aladdin was a little Chinese boy."
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
Honey is the only natural food that is made without destroying any kind of life. What about milk you say? A cow has to eat grass to produce milk and grass is living.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
Michael Jordan makes more money from NIKE annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
The volume of the earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean.
Cephalacaudal recapitulation is the reason our extremities develop faster than the rest of us.
Spiral staircases in medieval castles are running clockwise. This is because all knights used to be right-handed. When the intruding army would climb the stairs they would not be able to use their right hand which was holding the sword because of the difficulties of climbing the stairs. Left-handed knights would have had no troubles, except left-handed people could never become knights because it was assumed that they were descendants of the devil.
Ham radio operators got the term "ham" coined from the expression "ham fisted operators," a term used to describe early radio users who sent Morse code (i.e., pounded their fist).
The slogan on New Hampshire license plates is "Live Free or Die." These license plates are manufactured by prisoners in the state prison in Concord.
Chinese Crested dogs can get acne.
Hydrogen gas is the least dense substance in the world, at 0.08988g/cc.
Hydrogen solid is the most dense substance in the world, at 70.6g/cc.
Each year there is one ton of cement poured for each man woman and child in the world.
The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F.
The only capital letter in the Roman alphabet with exactly one end point is P.
The giant red star Betelgeuse has a diameter larger than that of the Earth's orbit around the sun.
The longest place name still in use is: Waumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitana-tahu   a New Zealand hill.
Los Angeles's full name is: "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Poriuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "LA."
Only 1 in 2,000,000,000 will live to be 116 or older.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
According to Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity, it is possible to go slower than light and faster than light, but it is impossible to go the speed of light. Also, there is a particle called tackyon which is supposed to go faster than light. This means if you fire a tackyon beam, it travels before you fire it.
When you tie a noose, the rope is wrapped twelve times around because it's the same length as a persons head.
Hummingbirds are the only animal that can fly backwards.
A cat's jaw cannot move sideways.

Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
Eskimoes never gamble.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest Pope was 11 years old.
Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
Your nose and ears never stop growing.
Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined.
Hot water is heavier than cold.
The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
They have square watermelons in Japan...they stack better.
Starfish have eight eyes...one on the end of each leg.
Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."
There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
Men get the hiccups more often than women.
Armadillos can be housebroken.

Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each morning with $86,400, carries over no balance from day to day, allows you to keep no cash balance, and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!  Well, everyone has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.   There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today...

To realize the value of ONE YEAR  Ask a student who has failed his final exam.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH  Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK  Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE DAY  Ask a daily wage laborer who has ten kids to feed.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR  Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE  Ask a person who has missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND  Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND  Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
To find the value of ONE LIFETIME  Ask someone who missed their chance.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies:  They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **Caution - leave air holes. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. WOMEN: Remember, as we get older we no longer have hot flashes. We now have power surges. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
Age is important only if you're a cheese.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers?
Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
How do you remove a club soda stain?
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
How do a fool and his money GET together?
How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
How come there aren't B batteries?
How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Crime doesn't pay. . .does that mean that my job is a crime?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
If a pig loses his voice, does he become disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.  Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

A psychological study in 1995 found that 3 minutes spent looking at models in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and shameful.
Models who twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman, today weigh 23% less.
There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and ONLY 8 WHO DO.
Marilyn Monroe wore a SIZE 12.
If Barbie were a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.
The average American woman weighs 144 lbs. and wears between a size 12 and 14.
One out of every 4 college aged women has an eating disorder.
The models in the magazines are airbrushed-- THEY'RE NOT PERFECT!!
If shop mannequins were real women, THEY'D BE TOO THIN TO MENSTRUATE.
There is no sense in our generation of women and future generations of women killing themselves to look thin. We're simply being lied to.
Love yourself for WHO you are, not what you look like.

A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "SMELL OF BAKED BREAD MAY BE HEALTH HAZARD." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up). I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....

Remember: THINK GLOBALLY, ACT IDIOTICALLY.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? So what's the speed of dark?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Is Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

I started out with nothing. . . I still have most of it.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.