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 | THE WEB ADDICTION SONG |
(sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
Doorbell rings, I'm not listnen'
From my mouth, drool is glisten'n
I'm happy although my boss let me go
Happily addicted to the Web
All night long, I sit clicking
Unaware time is ticking
There's a beard on my cheek
Same clothes for a week
Happily addicted to the Web
Friends come by, they shake me saying "Yo man!"
"Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug I mutter "No man
I just discovered laugh-a-lot dot com."
I don't phone, don't send faxes
Don't go out, don't pay taxes
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
Happily addicted to the Web
| Computer Woes |
Yesterday.
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday!
Suddenly
There's not half the files there used to be,
hanging over me,
The system crasked so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong,
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
And I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday!
| Computer Addicts
12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper
like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner
before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and
family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop
telling them
to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week,
if it is
necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my
checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime...and the Web will always be there tomorrow! |
| Computer Love |
My husband is jealous and I don't know why
The computer was his idea to buy.
Just because we've had take-out three nights
In a row is no reason for him to carry on so.
I've given up shopping so I can stay home
So many Web sites I still want to roam.
On-line is wonderful and so is E-mail
He keeps on hoping our power will fail.
He claims I don't love him but really I do
It's just that I love the computer too.
Too bad this poem I'll never complete
I wiped out the rest when I hit "delete."
| COMPUTER PRAYER |
Every evening As I'm laying here in bed This tiny little prayer Keeps running thru my
head:
God bless my mom and dad
And bless my little pup
And look out for my brother
When things aren't looking up.
And God, there's one more thing I wish that you could do
Hope ya don't mind me asking
But please bless my 'puter too??
Now I know that's not normal
To bless a mother board
But just listen a second
While I explain to you, my Lord
You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest hundreds of my 'BEST FRIENDS'
Some it's true I've never seen
And most I've never met
We've never exchanged hugs
Or shared a meal as yet....
I know for sure they like me
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Is how I travel to where they live
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
I share in what life brings them
From that our friendship grew
"PLEASE" take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless this scrap of metal
That's filled with so much love!
| The Top Six Reasons Computers Are Female: |
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the
corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to
everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informatiave as "if
you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
| IT'S TIME TO TURN YOUR COMPUTER OFF & READ A BOOK
WHEN |
1. You wake up at 4 am to go to the bathroom and stop to
check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the
plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet
access.
4. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
wordprocessor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
8. When your e-mail box shows,"no new messages", and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have neutral
screen names and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to a friend!!!
| NEWFOUNDLAND COMPUTER TERMS |
1. Log on Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off Don't add no more wood
3. Monitor Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
6. Ram The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt What the mail ain't in the winter
9. Window What to shut when it's cold outside
10. Screen What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte What the black flies do
12. Bit What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte What the LABRADOR black flies do
14. chip Munchies for TV
15. Micro Chip What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
16. Modem What you did to the hay fields
17. Dot matrix Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top Where the kitty sleeps
19. Software The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds
20. hardware The real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse What eats the grain in the barn
22. Main frame What holds the barn up
23. Enter City talk for - "come on in, eh"
24. Web What a spider makes
25. Web site The barn or the attic
26. Cursor Someone who swears
27. Search Engine What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver A repair kit for the torn window screen
29. Home Page A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the field
30. Upgrade Steep hill
31. Server The person at the ABC that brings the food
32. Mail Server The guy at the ABC that brings the food
33. MSDOS Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it
35. User The neighbour who keeps borrowing stuff
36. Browser What they call you when your eye brows grow together
37. Network When you have to repair your fishing net
38. Internet Complicated fish net repair method
39. Netscape When a fish maneuvers out of reach
40. Online When you get the laundry hung out on the washline
41. Off line When the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground
| Are Computers Male or Female? |
A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn
all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as
"She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers. To
solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the
other group was female.
The group of women reported that computers should be
refereed to as "HE" because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them
on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you
could have had a newer and better model.
The group of men reported that computers should be refered
to as "SHE" because:
1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone
else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck
on accessories for it.
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