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With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers.Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents. A fire extinguisher is a handy device. Helium tanks should be chained down tightly. Cheap glue adheres to skin. Kool Aid and song motions do not mix. Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think. Church maintenance men do not have a sense of humor. Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped. Hand-me-down sound systems can get loud when the adult service is taking communion. Ushers do not have a sense of humor. There IS a doggie Heaven. Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier. Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose. Girls are superior to boys. There are good reasons why pastor's kids have a bad reputation. Helium intoxication does not render respect in a staff meeting.
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer.
A telephone repairman who was working nearby happened to overhear the
conversation.
- Nike "swoosh" on the cross
A group of women were talking together. One woman said,
"Our congregation is sometimes down to 30 or 40 on a Sunday."
A man fell into a pit and couldn't get himself out.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going
to, at the end of the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more
money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he
was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been
brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an
embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out
during your sermon."
"Of course you have to work hard to offend Christians. By nature Christians are the most forgiving, understanding and thoughtful group of people I've ever dealt with. They never assume the worst at the get-go, they appreciate the importance of having different perspectives, they're slow to anger, quick to forgive and almost never make rash judgments or act in anything less than a spirit of total love."No, wait -- I'm thinking of Labrador retrievers." By DAVID LEARN
A well worn dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty arrived at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to the shredder they struck up a conversation. The twenty reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life", the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise from Miami." "Wow!", said the single, "you really have gotten around." "So tell me", says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ...." And the twenty asked: "What's a church?"
Hold this paper close to your nose and breath deeply. If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor. If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you and so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
1. Your thumb is nearest to you. So begin your prayers by |praying for those
closest to you. They are the easiest to remember. To pray for our loved ones is, as C.S.
Lewis once said, a "sweet duty".
There are many reasons why God shouldn't have called you. But don't worry. You're in good company. Moses stuttered. David's armor didn't fit. John Mark was rejected by Paul. Timothy had ulcers. Hosea's wife was a prostitute. Amos' only training was in the school of fig-tree pruning. Jacob was a liar. David had an affair. Solomon was too rich. Jesus was too poor. Abraham was too old. David was too young. Peter was afraid of death. Lazarus was dead. John was self-righteous. Naomi was a widow. Paul was a murderer. So was Moses. Jonah ran from God. Miriam was a gossip. Gideon and Thomas both doubted. Jeremiah was a bullfrog (just kidding); he was depressed and suicidal. Elijah was burned out. John the Baptist was a loudmouth. Martha was a worry-wart. Mary may have been lazy. Samson had long hair. Noah got drunk. Did I mention that Moses had a short fuse? So did Peter, Paul - well, lots of folks did. But God doesn't require a job interview. He doesn't hire and fire like most bosses, because He's more our Dad than our Boss. He doesn't look at financial gain or loss. He's not prejudiced or partial, not judging, grudging, sassy, or brassy, not deaf to our cry, not blind to our need. As much as we try, God's gifts are free. We could do wonderful things for wonderful people and still not be. . . Wonderful. Satan says, "You're not worthy." Jesus says, "So what? I AM." Satan looks back and sees our mistakes. God looks back and sees the cross. He doesn't calculate what you did in '98. It's not even on the record. Sure, there are lots of reasons why God shouldn't have called us. But if we are in love with Him, if we hunger for Him more than our next breath, He'll use us in spite of who we are, where we've been, or what we look like! I pray that as Christians, we will step out of our limitations into the illimitable nature of who God is. Then our passion for God and our passion to communicate to Him will make mince-meat of our limitations.
God made
A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
Do you know why Jesus and his disciples had only bread
and wine at the Last Supper?
80% name the Bible as the most influential book in human history
Did Noah include termites on the ark?
An Agnostic is running along the edge of a very high cliff, when he trips and falls over the edge! As he is falling, about half-way down, he manages to grab onto a branch, which breaks his fall. So he is hanging onto this branch for dear life, the ground a long way below. He stays like this for some time, thinking that help will arrive, but of course it doesn't. By now, he is aching all over, and is not sure for how much longer he can hold on, so in desperation, he looks to the sky, and prays for the first time... "God, are you really up there?" "OH YES", a voice replies, "I AM HERE"... "Then God, If you do actually exist, please God, can you save me?" "OH YES, I CAN SAVE YOU, BUT YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME. DO YOU TRUST ME?" "Yes, yes, I trust you, implicitly!" "WELL IF YOU TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH"... The agnostic replies... "Is there anyone else up there?"
Potlucks and Christians go together like dirty socks and playgrounds. We all love to fellowship and eat! Or, is that eat and fellowship? But, this creates a problem - there are things that you eat and see and experience at a potluck that are . . . unique to say the least! No doubt about it, potlucks can be stressful on the appetite and conversation! Oh, what an interesting texture! I didn't know there were that many shades of green! Oh, Fred, don't get worked up, she told you it was a new Band-Aid! Besides, you love potato salad! Trudy, your egg salad bust of the preacher is very, um, uh, er. ..creative! You say missionaries gave you this recipe?! What do you mean the dog wouldn't eat it?! I didn't think you could deep fry that! If Jell-O and vegetables were meant to exist together, Bill Cosby would have been a vegetarian! Was that SUPPOSED to be crunchy?
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, How come you called God, "Harold"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name." And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And He just then did!" One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take." A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight." A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess." A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, " the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me." A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
A guy is coming to the end of his life and, knowing he doesn't have much time left, starts bargaining with God. "Please, I can't leave all this wealth behind! Please, let me take it with me!" God finally gets fed up and says he can take one duffle bag ONLY. Time comes, guy kicks thebucket and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "You can't bring that in here!" says Peter, shocked. "Yes, I can!" the guy insists. "The Boss told me so!" Shaking his head, Peter goes to check. Sure enough. When he comes back to let the guy in with his bag, he says, "Just out of curiosity, what's in the bag that's so important God had to let you bring it in?" The guy eagerly opens the bag to show St. Peter, and it's chock full of gold. Bars & bars of the stuff. St. Peter looks at him incredulously. "PAVEMENT?! You brought PAVEMENT?!"
God grant me the Senility
1. Today I'm going to ... be thankful "No matter what
happens, always be thankful." 1 Thess. 5:18
Oh give me some pity, I'm on a committee, We confer and concur, we defer and demur, We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose, We resolve and absolve, but we never dissolve, -Author Unknown
Funny how a $20 bill looks so big when we take it to church and
so small when we take it to the store. |
